I don't always feel that way.
I mean, don't get me wrong, this whole being alive and kicking thing is nice and all, but lately I've kind of been feeling a little mad at my body.
That kind of comes with the territory when you're dealing with infertility. My body doesn't do what it's supposed to, which is produce offspring. Spawn. Chillins. Childstuffs. Kiddy-pies.
And while I've tried to remind myself of the many other wonderful things the good Lord has blessed me with, as the years wear on and my womb remains a barren wasteland, I find myself getting kinda cranky with my body.
When I say cranky, I MEAN cranky. I'm all like "Uh, Body? Are you kidding me? I SERIOUSLY CAN'T WEAR MY PANTS?" and my body's all like "Uh, Andrea, remember when you pumped me all full of hormones and then ate twenty pints of Ben and Jerry's?" and then I'm all like "Oh...right, so....never mind."
But the cranky me hasn't been hanging around as much since, lately, I've been exercising.
Originally I began exercising because I just really, really wanted to be able to fit into my pants. Maybe I told you it was because I want to be healthy, and healthy is good, but so is wearing your pants.
More than that, though, I just felt like I had to DO SOMETHING. With capital letters. Accomplish something. Have something to show.
And so I've been exercising. And at first I think I expected my body to immediately shrink to a svelte, rock-hard celebrity-esque silhouette. Which didn't so much happen.
I'm actually kind of awful at this whole exercise thing. I'm clumsy and I sweat profusely and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts.
But one day as I engaged in my bi-weekly battle with the treadmill, I was filled with this overwhelming and immediate, all-consuming gratitude for a body with the capacity for work, for action.
And isn't that just a ridiculous sort of miracle, that I have a body that can move and bend and sweat, however awkwardly?
I still can't wear my pants. I still don't have kids. But my body is building a strength already known to my mind and soul.
Thanks, body. Sorry I yelled at you.
5 comments:
I know how you feel (in terms of exercising), it kind of sucks that I have to do it for the rest of my life. But I also feel really really lucky that I get to do it for the rest of my life.
Hey! I can't wear my pants either! Come visit me and be Auntie Andrea and we'll be pants impaired together!
you know what? that is true. as i stress, i eat. and i can't fit into my pants either. in a way that has caused a few people to ask me if i'm pregnant (i'm not, but THANKS FOR ASKING).
so, when i give my body a crusty look because it looks larger than it ought it, i think i'll do what you did and just appreciate that yeah, i might look like i'm with child when i'm not, but at least i can move around.
thanks.
and keep up the good battle! you can do it!
Sometimes it just feels really good to be doing *something* productive. I've so been there!
Also, I promise that what I'm about to tell you is true: when I saw you Sunday I thought you looked thinner (and you've always been thin even if your pants haven't fit well). Sorry I didn't get a chance to say it at the time.
reagan- i think that sums it up perfectly. sucky, but also lucky. i made a rhyme.
redstarmama- yessss! i would love to be pants-impaired auntie andrea!!
miriam- i totally know how you feel. our super nice dry cleaning guy was all "when are you due?" and I was all "....not for a while....". awesome.
deb- you are just fantastic. you made my day! the next time i see you i just might have to tackle you and give you a huge hug.
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