i fly through the air with the greatest of ease

I'm seriously considering joining the circus.

Now, you might be wondering why. I get that. I have at no point in my life expressed any interest in exotic animals, body distortion or face paint, run of the mill makeup excepted. Truth be told, I'm as surprised as you. For reals.

It's just that I took a trapeze class with my good friend Gail, and I'm sort of in love. See, I've never been good at sports. Ever. Sports and I have endured a strained relationship for quite a long time, honestly.

You know, I'd try to pay attention, but obviously I wasn't, and sports would try to be less cryptic and tone down the body painting, but that was sort of denying who sports was, so we were at an impasse.

Until Monday, when my life changed because of trapeze class. I was like, hey, Sports! You never told me about trapeze class! This is just swinging!

And just like that, we've reconciled.

Also maybe I won't join the circus, because Paul is really scared of clowns.

So, here are some pics of my adventure. If you'd like to read about my past history with sports, I am a guest blogger for my awesome friend May today. May is maybe one of my favorite writers ever. Check her out. She will rock your world with her insight. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll go home happy. Get to know her, and find out why I love her so much.

may i have your attention, please

Ahem.

I, Andrea Gale Boerem, have been accepted into the General Studies Program at Columbia University.

Booyeah.

i attempt to define butplarg

I just posted a comment on one of my posts and the word verification was....

Butplarg.

How fantastic is that? I know. Pretty fantastic.

I mean, that could be a noun, as in I am wishing to purchase a butplarg, or the butplarg got a 150% on her chemistry exam, or it could be.....

Okay, maybe just a noun. Still, I love it. I love it because it sounds like an insult, or like an item one might purchase along with some fiber capsules, but what if it wasn't? What if it was like a term of endearment? You'd probably have to clear it with all your friends before use though, because the last thing you want is to get in a big fight with your best friend from kindergarten because you were trying to make her feel all good about being so kind or good at math or whatever, and then she got all offended because she didn't know what butplarg really meant.

I'm just saying.

no place like home (it was awesome)

So, uh, hey.

Back again.

It turns out I have a real life. I kinda forgot for two weeks. Vacation sort of brainwashes me, you know? I had started to think all meals involved In n Out or Cafe Rio and that my major responsibility in life was to have lots of fun and say things like OH MY GOSH IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME.

I didn't forget about Paul, though. I think we both count that as a blessing.

I shall now attempt to cram a two week vacay into a solitary blog post. Here I go.

So, I got on a plane. The plane went to California. My family is in California. In n Out is in California. My friend Gail who knew me when I had to wear neck gear is in California. My friend Tamara who lets me eat cookies and ice cream for breakfast when I spend the night at her house is in California. I love California.

There was this time during my California part of my vacation when I went to get clam chowder in Ventura with my mom and dad, and the clam chowder was so good, and then a real seagull landed right on our table. It was awesome.

Also my little brother John had an awards ceremony for school because he got all A's and also is really good in History, and mom wanted him to wear a shirt and tie, except for John didn't want to, but he wore one anyway because mom gave him the Guilt Trip of Never Ending Pain and Anguish, which is pretty much impossible to withstand. It was awesome.

Then know what? John had a piano recital and it was at his teacher's house, and her house had flowers outside and I thought, that's nice. I like flowers outside a house. John's piano teacher was so nice and friendly like that I even thought I might like to take piano lessons, and that's saying a lot, because using my two hands at the same time kind of freaks me out. After the kids were done playing I had to hug them all (or as many as I could get near before they ran away) because they were all cute as a button, and then everyone made ice cream sundaes. It was awesome.

So, after like a week I got on another plane. This one went to Utah. My sister Miriam is in Utah, being a grown up. I went to see her being a grown up. Also my friend Nicole is in Utah. Nicole can make just about anything if you give her a glue gun and a sewing machine, all while being the Nicest Person Ever and looking like a supermodel. I went to see her because I wanted to know if she could show me how to make a replica of Rodin's The Gates of Hell. It turns out you need more than a glue gun and sewing machine, though.

Want to know something that is awesome about Utah? They totally got rid of the whole humidity thing. How did they do it? Was it the government? Because I would totally vote for someone who could get rid of humidity. Although as a side note I recognize that it is perhaps necessary sometimes.

While I was enjoying the humidity free weather and super friendly customer service, I spent the night with my sister Miriam. She's all grown up and stuff. It's so weird, I mean she's got an apartment with roommates and there's couches in the living room and she's got her own food shelf and there's milk in the refrigerator with her name on it. I went into the bathroom to take a shower and pulled the shower curtain back and saw three little scrubby poufs in assorted colors hanging from the spout and it was like a whole story about the apartment's inhabitants, right there. It was awesome.

Miriam went on a date with a kid named Ian. Except he pronounces it eye-an. I've just been calling him Fred. That might be a problem if things heat up for the two of them. But I digress.

Did you know that Utah has castles? It totally does, and my friend Nicole lives in one. Her castle has a porch swing and a sandbox and a tree-house in the back and it has it's very own guest bedroom with a guest bathroom and the shower has these little pebbles on the floor, but the pebbles are like a part of the floor and they feel all smooth and good, not like when you're walking to your car from the beach and you're like, ow, I hate walking on pebbles. It's not like that at all. It's awesome.

Nicole has four kids. I love them. One of them is my boyfriend. His name is Hyrum and he's two and he has a toy dinosaur named Sarah and he's really good at running back and forth really fast and he likes to eat the same stuff as I do, so we have a lot in common. It couldn't last, mostly because he's two and I'm already married and also I was only staying there for like a week. It's just as well. I think he likes Sarah better than me, anyway.

Nicole and I did crafty stuff. I might not have told you this about me, but I really stink at crafts. Everything I make looks like a five year old made it. Somehow it's cute when it's a five year old, but when you're like almost thirty? Not so cute. So when Nicole was like hey, want to do crafty stuff, I was all ready to reach for my paper bag, but then she was like no, it's going to be really, really easy.

And it was. So easy, in fact, that I am all ready to buy my very own glue gun and go to town. I think Paul's T shirts could use a little embellishment. I made cute stuff. I. MADE. CUTE. STUFF. ME. I DID. Sorry, it still hasn't sunk in.

After I was all done making the crafty stuff and flirting with Hyrum and admiring the guest bathroom, it was time for me to go home. Because two weeks away from my best guy is a really, really long time. Also I was running out of underwear. Also I wanted to give Paul the amazing gifts I bought for him. Dude, you would not believe the treasure trove I brought him. I got him this visor with built in hair that was only five bucks at Walgreen's and is completely disgusting, and I also got him this squeaky fish with huge lips, and putty that makes toot noises. Awesome, right? I know.

So, I got on a plane. This plane went to New York. New York has Paul, and I really, really like Paul. When I got home Paul was awake even though it was like six in the morning on a Saturday. He had done all the dishes, even the silverware, plus he got me flowers.

It was awesome.