Monty Python - Spam

I have some thoughts I have been collecting, in little bits, and sometimes quite big bits, that I would like to share. I have not had time to organize all the bits, however, and not wanting to be remiss in my blogging duties (Paul will laugh when he reads "duties") I thought, geez, I better post something. But, what could I post? I mean, it hasn't yet been confirmed that I'm actually getting the Nobel Peace Prize for International Chocolate Consumption (what? I've been to Paris.) and I didn't want to jump the gun by making the big announcement prematurely. So, what then? I figured the next best thing to announcing I've won a Nobel Peace Prize would be Monty Python on the origin of spam.

Week 1- Robert Muraine The Great- So You Think You Can Dance

Yessssss! So You Think You Can Dance is back!!!! Could I be any happier? I think not. Check out this guy- I don't quite understand how he does what he does, but I think it's pretty awesome. Yep.

for your consideration

I need a new bathing suit, because the one I have now makes me look like a nun. Or, what a nun would look like if she wore a bathing suit. Do nuns wear bathing suits? Anyways, I can't decide. I have gone back and forth for two days now, and I need to break the cycle. Can you please tell me which one you like better? I think I'm leaning a little more towards the gingham one, but then the minute I resolve to purchase that one, I change my mind again and think I like the polka dot one more. Geez. This has to stop! Please help, okay? Just make up my mind for me. Awesome. I knew I could trust you.

obituary

Yesterday morning, at approximately 9:50am, the blender belonging to Paul and Andrea Boerem passed away, due to complications related to excessive smoothie making. Known simply as Blender, he (although gender is uncertain) was adopted a little over a year ago and while little is known of his early life, his Cuisinart heritage speaks volumes. He was known for his love of pureeing soups, and especially enjoyed preparing frozen hot chocolate. While blending was of course his strong suit, he did moonlight as a food processor, and would frequently attempt more difficult projects, like raw carrots. He was largely unsuccessful.

When not involved in the pulverization of foodstuffs, Blender enjoyed hobbies, such as sitting in one place not moving at all. He was frequently frustrated by his inability to speak due to being an inanimate object and sited as his hero Pinocchio, or would have sited Pinocchio as his hero were he able to communicate actual thoughts and feelings.

Paul and Andrea would like to champion Blender's admirable work ethic. At a time when many other blenders would have chosen to spend the remainder of their waning lives on a sun-drenched counter top in Miami, Blender continued to puree, dice and blend like a champion.

Blender is survived by the Toaster, and Waffle Iron. Following the traditional mourning period of one day and a rigorous selection process, Blender has been replaced by Blender No. 2, who is considerably less modest than Blender, and has already indicated that he would like to rule the world, or at the very least the kitchen.

In lieu of flowers, ice would be greatly appreciated.

smells like swagger

Paul just got new deodorant.

Not just new as in never been used, but also a new scent.

Swagger.

Uh huh.

What, you may ask, does swagger smell like? Is the scent meant to remind us of someone swaggering, or does the scent cause one to swagger?

Well, let me tell you, I can't wait to find out.

I have long been intrigued by the marketing for men's products. I just adore the names. So silly and man-ish. Lots of words like "ultra", and "max", only they like to add lots extra of the letter "x". Or should I say, exxxtra.

Plus there's the whole man and nature factor. Arctic force. Mountain rush. Axe makes a deodorant with a scent entitled "tsunami". Um, tsunami? For reals? As in a huge ocean wave caused by an underwater earthquake or volcanic eruption? Yummy. I personally would find that irresistible. I'm picturing some guy in marketing thinking "Hmmmmm, tsunami. Sounds powerful. Let's go with that."

So, swagger.

It was either that or pure sport, and the allure of this new and most confident scent was too much to resist.

For a moment I felt the need to compete, and considered switching to a new scent myself. I was concerned. I mean, my own tried and true green tea and cucumber scent has worked very well for me in the past, but this flashy new scent was making me think.

Maybe I want to swagger, too.

I was almost decided upon arctic apple when I realized that I am no longer twelve, and what the heck am I doing, considering switching to a scent like arctic apple? Sheesh. None of my lady scent options were really very cool. I mean, Spanish rose? Asian pear? Powder fresh? Mystic rain? Come on!

Nah. I decided to stick with green tea and cucumber. I still have a little self respect.

This morning as I showered, Paul entered the bathroom. I heard the medicine cabinet open, and then:

"The scent of confidence!!"

I chuckled.

"What? I swagger sometimes."

Paul just walked in. He asked what I was posting about.

Deodorant, I said.

He grinned.

"I'm getting my swagger on!"

Geez.

i heart moms

mom. i love you so much, mom!

mom in law. i heart you forever!
the best sister ever. ever!
the best sister in law in the world

My mom just totally blew my mind. In the best sense. She was telling me about how she felt when she first became a mother, and I have to say that's one story I never, EVER get tired of hearing. Fitting for a first child, right? Me!!! I was the first!!! I could listen forever to her tell me about when she first saw my face, and we looked into each other's eyes, and how she felt like I looked into her soul. Which I did. Also I was probably trying to communicate with the power of my mind that I really wanted some milk. Anyhoo. She said, and this is what blew my mind:

" Motherhood is.....a revelation. Just a complete revelation. I have never understood so well just how much, and how completely God loves us as when I've just had a child. I experienced it for the first time with you. I've experienced it five times.....each time, just pure revelation. God loves us so much."

Mind blowing, no? Yep, that's MY mom. Boo-yeah!!

I love it. I love moms. You know what? I think in a way, all women are mothers. My sister? Kids aren't even a blip on her horizon yet, but this one time, when she was a senior in high school and I was going through a difficult time, she woke up at 3:00 in the morning, just so she could read me a favorite scripture of hers before I left for work. Tell me that's not the work of an awesome mom! See, I knew you couldn't. My sister in law? Well, I don't know if I've EVER seen someone so good with kids in my whole life, and when she has kids she's going to rock that whole scene like crazy. For reals. And my mother in law? Let me tell you. You go over to their house, and you just try to not feel loved. Go ahead. I dare you.

And my mom. I don't think the words have been invented yet for how much I love my mom, but here's an attempt:

crazystrongunbeatableeternalheartloveforever

I think that covers it, almost.

Nice work, Heavenly Father. Thanks for moms.

anniversary post (or why I should not eat only cake all day)

P-Dog and I just celebrated our seven year anniversary on Monday. For reals, seven years. And I don't itch at all, not even a little bit. I have been meaning to post about this all week, but I wanted the time to create a post that would sufficiently communicate the depth of my feelings for him. They are very deep, I assure you. Now I have plenty of time, but I have eaten only cake up until now, and have a beyond splitting headache. Paul is at work, and I am really wishing he were here right now because I want some 7-up and for him to rub my back. Paul, come home from work, okay? I know your job is important and all, and that you're probably keeping someone alive right this moment, but I need 7-up, okay? Dang. I think I'm going to go puke now.

old macdonald had a bus

I am riding the 31 bus to work today when two sisters board the bus. One looks about four, and the other maybe five or six, and they are very cute indeed. Curly brown hair, huge dark eyes- the cute market is cornered with these two, I tell you. I have to grin because not only are they insanely adorable, they are singing Old Macdonald Had a Farm, and who doesn't enjoy a rousing chorus on the way to their place of employment? Or pre-school?

They sit behind me. There are two seats, but they kind of squish into one, and continue singing.

"Old Macdonald had a...."

"Bus!! Old Macdonald had a bus!!"

"No, Old Macdonald didn't have a bus. No buses."

The older sister takes charge. They resume:

"Old Macdonald had a tree....."

Here I am waiting with bated breath to find out what sound a tree makes, because all this time I am not able to figure that one out, and no one yet has been in the forest to hear a tree scream when it is cut down (that I'm aware of). I don't get to find out, though, because the older sister has just changed her mind. Maybe Old Macdonald did require public transportation, after all. She sings reverently:

"Old Macdonald had a tree........and buses...."

"Eeeeyi eeeeyi oooooh. For you and me, for you and me."

Clearly they have mixed up Old Macdonald with This Land is Your Land, (obvious to a seasoned singer of nursery rhymes such as myself) but seeing as they are both cute as a button, I let it slide. I exit the bus, and here I am.

Still grinning.