my life begins with balloons and streamers

It is New Year's Eve.

I am sitting on the couch next to Paul, while he watches Survivor Man. Survivor Man just caught a fish and Paul is watching all intent-like. I bet he's taking mental notes on what to do should he ever find himself stranded in the arctic with nothing but a canoe and his wiles.

We ordered Indian food, and when I am done posting I will make hot chocolate and I will ask Paul about his favorite part of Survivor Man and then I will fall asleep while reading. Maybe I will be awake at midnight, but probably not.

I am thinking about my brother John. He just turned fourteen and he gets to go to his first church dance tonight. And that makes me think about my first dance, on New Year's Eve after I had turned fourteen.

I curled my hair and I wore this new plaid dress that I got for Christmas and I think I went with friends but I don't remember. I just remember walking into the church building and you could hear music from inside and it was so exciting my heart was beating all fast because I might meet the love of my life.

The room was all decorated with streamers and balloons and the lights were dim and people were dancing and it was like life began right there, like life began with balloons and streamers and boys.

I know I was there with friends but why can't I remember who? It was probably Stacy, or Gail, or Jenn, but I can't see their faces in my memory. In my mind it is only me, in the middle of my life beginning.

We stand in a circle, me and my faceless friends, and it is a fast song and I try to find the beat, try to learn how to move to the music and I am awkward but it gets better and someone taps me on the shoulder and it's a boy.

He tells me I look beautiful and my heart soars because I have waited my whole life to hear that and I have braces and my nose is too big for my face but I can't afford plastic surgery and my mom wouldn't approve anyways and so to hear this boy tell me I am beautiful is amazing.

His name is Keith and he asks me to dance twice and he maybe holds me just a little too close but it's exciting and he's sixteen and he lives in Camarillo. I think Keith is a good name and I wonder will I marry Keith because I'm always wondering who I will marry.

Then the dance is over, and the lights turn on and everyone is standing there, all sweaty, and nobody looks quite as good as they did when the lights were dim. Mom picks me up and I am floating as I ride in the blue minivan because my life just began.

And now I am sitting on the couch and I think about John and I want to reach three-thousand miles to California and give him a hug. I wonder if he'll feel like his life is beginning.

Probably not. I don't think balloons and streamers have quite the same effect on him.

i experience a desperate lack of occupation

I am bored.

I'm kind of hesitant to admit that. When I was a kid and I'd say I was bored my mom would always be like "I'll give you something to do" and then I'd have to sew lace on her bedspread and I'd do a really cruddy job and then we'd both be worse off.

The thing is, I've already done laundry and I baked cookies and made soup and I washed the dishes and made the bed and I fed the cats and made phone calls and now, here I am, dangerously close to dressing my cats up in my old baby clothes.

It's kind of nice to be bored. I mean, I haven't blogged for like the last month because I've been doing all this school stuff and apparently the in-charge people at school are kind of serious about that whole finals thing.

But now I'm all re-charged and stuff and ready to blog, and I have nothing interesting to say. Nothing. For reals. I walked out of my front door a couple of weeks ago and there was this dude peeing into the gutter. And I'm out. That's it. See? Boring.

Does anyone need babysitting? I'll watch your kids for you. Need a wet-nurse? I actually can't help you. Also you might be in a different century. Need your house cleaned? I can do that, although in the spirit of full disclosure if I am sweeping I don't always pull the couch out and sweep behind it.

Yeah, so if you need any of that stuff, or anything else that doesn't involve firearms or confrontation or eating vegetables, I'd love to help out. For now, I think I'm going to eat several oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and pass out on the couch while watching Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version. Because it has Colin Firth.

And that should be the only explanation needed.