obituary

Yesterday morning, at approximately 9:50am, the blender belonging to Paul and Andrea Boerem passed away, due to complications related to excessive smoothie making. Known simply as Blender, he (although gender is uncertain) was adopted a little over a year ago and while little is known of his early life, his Cuisinart heritage speaks volumes. He was known for his love of pureeing soups, and especially enjoyed preparing frozen hot chocolate. While blending was of course his strong suit, he did moonlight as a food processor, and would frequently attempt more difficult projects, like raw carrots. He was largely unsuccessful.

When not involved in the pulverization of foodstuffs, Blender enjoyed hobbies, such as sitting in one place not moving at all. He was frequently frustrated by his inability to speak due to being an inanimate object and sited as his hero Pinocchio, or would have sited Pinocchio as his hero were he able to communicate actual thoughts and feelings.

Paul and Andrea would like to champion Blender's admirable work ethic. At a time when many other blenders would have chosen to spend the remainder of their waning lives on a sun-drenched counter top in Miami, Blender continued to puree, dice and blend like a champion.

Blender is survived by the Toaster, and Waffle Iron. Following the traditional mourning period of one day and a rigorous selection process, Blender has been replaced by Blender No. 2, who is considerably less modest than Blender, and has already indicated that he would like to rule the world, or at the very least the kitchen.

In lieu of flowers, ice would be greatly appreciated.