Yesterday evening, at approximately 7:15pm, Paul David Boerem accused me, Andrea Gale Boerem, of prejudice against fruit, including allegedly preventing fruit from being included in meals and snacks, and of not including fruit as a kitchen decoration which would encourage consumption of said fruit. Allegedly. (I know that last "allegedly" wasn't really necessary, I just like how official it sounds.)
I would like to respond to these charges:
I AM INNOCENT!! I WOULD LIKE TO BE CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES!! Plus, the charges aren't even for real because he's not a lawyer!! Also how come it's MY fault??
Now, I would like to clearly define my feelings about fruit and vegetables. I have nothing against them- they are peaceable, and clearly mean no harm. Except maybe for pineapples, which are kind of sharp and pokey, but I guess that's not really the pineapple's fault. That said, I do not like to eat them because they taste yucky, except I guess fruit doesn't really taste yucky, but the texture really bugs me. Also, I do not like ANYTHING about bananas. Or peas. Or beans. I cannot budge on this.
The quibble began when Paul related a grocery store experience from earlier yesterday, when a most friendly lady who was very pro-mango felt it her duty to extol the many virtues of mangoes. Paul agreed, but then he told her he never eats them, and I quote, "because my wife doesn't like fruits or vegetables, so I never eat them."
The injustice of this statement screamed at me like Howard Dean. Naturally, I had to defend myself.
My argument was polished. Concise. Elegant.
"Huh? No way. How come it's MY fault? You can eat fruit and vegetables anytime you want!! How many times at the grocery store do I ask you if you want fruit or vegetables and you say NO!!! Yeah, how about that? You can eat fruit or vegetables any time you want, buddy."
Paul counters by explaining that he doesn't think about it because when he grocery shops or plans meals, he's thinking about what I would enjoy, and marriage is about the two of you together trying to make each other happy.
Well, I didn't fall for that baloney. No, sir!
"Wait- you don't eat them because you don't have anyone to eat them with you?? That sounds to me like you wish you were married to someone else. Hey- how do you think that makes me feel? To know you're suffering in an unhappy, fruitless (hahaha) marriage? Do I not make you happy? Don't I make you peas sometimes? Do you want another wife? Is that what you want?"
I am sounding a little hysterical. I get carried away sometimes.
At this point, Paul smiles and says I'm right. Except I know he doesn't really think I'm right. He's placating me. He really thinks that he's right, and I know it except I can't prove it because he's looking at me all lovingly and saying I'm right.....
Okay, he wins.
12 comments:
Andrea--(ahem) You know I think you're a good person...maybe even great. I think the world of you...but it's a known fact that you are a Vegetablist. And a fruitist. How could Paul knowingly bring veggies/fruit into the house without offending his dear (yet prejudice) wife? He can't. I too side with Paul.
(but we can still eat ice cream together right?)
So you're still the antifruit. I have come to love it in my old (grey haired) age. It was forced I must say. Weight gain will do that to you. You have no choice but to eat the dreaded fruit. But if I have to eat it to be skinny, I will do so!!
miggy- you're right, I know it......dang. The truth is hard to bear. I haven't done much to help my case, have I, what with all the veggie trash talking that I throw around....thanks for the tough love, my friend. And yes, ice cream is what brings the people together.
julia- yes, still the antifruit. I must commend you on your healthy habits! I bet you'll be looking all young and hot when I look all saggy and wrinkly. I think trans fats do that to you.
I am so glad we can still be friends, putting my Pro- and your Anti-Produce sentiments aside for the sake of our more-than-25-year friendship! Also, can't you get scurvy from not eating citrus? You don't want Paul's teeth to fall out, do you? (That might be a misremembered tidbit from junior high history. I'm not sure.)
I actually saw a recent show on some cable network (don't you love my details?) about a mystery illness this woman had, they couldn't figure out what was going on. Her hair was falling out, teeth going yellow, she didn't have any energy, aches, pains, etc. When they finally figured it out, it was scurvy. She subsisted mainly on peanut putter and toast. Crazy eh?
Hemingway, Andrea I know your position on fruit and veggies is clear and relatively nonnegotiable, but how can you say the texture bugs you, which one? Not all fruit and veggies are created equally :-).
Andrea, I am with you on the vegetable issue..yuck:) I get blamed as well for Doug not eating healthier and I want to say, then you cook dinner, but then I feel guilty and I don't say anything. I know that I should eat healthier. I do love fruit, especially raspberries, yum.
I would have to testify for the prosecution in this case. You never gave the yummy fruits and veggies a chance!!
Your middle name is GALE??? Mine is GAIL!!!!! Hooray, I never knew!!!
heather anna- I think scurvy may be my new favorite disease name, right up there with ebola and monkey pox. And maple syrup urine disease.
tamara- yay, someone on my side!! So far, Paul is kicking my trash!
christina- Dang! Another point for Paul!!
Reagan- Yay!! we're almost middle name twins!!
First, you make me laugh outloud. Not an easy task.
Second, fruits and veggies are highly overrated. Bring on the scruvy! Arrrrrr maitey...
ah come on... give peas a chance.
(get it??? Give Peace a chance???) I crack me up. Anyway, you can 'beet' him up, or beet him at chess, or if you carrot all (another joke, I'm on a roll) you'll try a mango. Just don't let Paul have any because--are you ready?--one bite makes a man-go crazy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ok so I was trying to figure out if you wer the andrea gale I knew way back when and now I know. This is the marsha proffit. How are you? I will read more on you blog and catch up on you life but you are very fun to read. (ps i found you through jenn (woodhead) hambly. I don't know how seh found me but i'm glad she did b/c now i found many people! how fun.
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