an official memo

Email received from one, Paul Boerem, 5:35 p.m:

Official MEMO.

Paul is the BOSS.

All are to do what he says.

He is the final authority on all matters of official and non official business.

Again, urgent.... Paul is the boss, he has always been the boss and he will continue to always be the boss.

This MEMO is now complete. Thanks for your help in this matter.

The BOSS
Paul David Boerem

putting our hat in the ring

"I looked in to adoption benefits at my work."

That's what Paul said when I called him at lunch a few weeks ago.

"Wow! Okay, you're feeling good about this?" I'm trying to keep my voice from doing cartwheels.

"Yeah, I feel good. Let's get this thing started!"

Okay, he's got cartwheel voice going on, too. I hang up the phone.

And grin.

A feeling washes over me, a feeling sort of like the first time I had grape soda, standing in Albertson's with my dad. Only this is a fizzy warm feeling, and the soda was fizzy and cold, but that's beside the point.

The point is, we're going to adopt a baby.

Yessssssss.

I have lots of thoughts and feelings. I'll talk about them later. Right now I'm just going with the warm fizzy.

I felt like the Yip Yips, my childhood friends from Sesame Street, capture my feelings best in their classic song. Enjoy!

a longing for the unattainable

I have a thing for Paul's belly button.

Don't ask me why, but for some inexplicable reason, I find it irresistible. I simply must touch it. I don't want to tickle it, mind you. My intentions are completely honorable. Sort of. All I want is to rest my index finger nicely over it.

I know. Weird, right?

Paul doesn't like it. I can't imagine why. Who on earth wouldn't love having their belly button accosted by a loving (and slightly quirky) wife?

Well, over the years Paul has kind of gotten wise to me. He'll see my adoring sideways glance in the general direction of his belly, and catapult himself to the other side of the room. This should probably hurt my feelings, or maybe I should think hey, Paul doesn't like this so how about rubbing his back instead, but really it just motivates me.

Today, for example. We're in the office/kitty palace, and he's about to leave for the store. I really, really want to touch that charming belly button, but I know I have to be stealthy about it, so I sidle up all cute like, and then look at the hem of his t-shirt. I get a concerned look on my face, and say hey, let me just check something here.....

"ANDREA BOEREM STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!"

"What? What do you mean?" I bite my lip for some extra cuteness. It doesn't work.

"YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!!!! I SWEAR TO YOU, ANDREA BOEREM-"

I make my eyes all big and innocent. "What? What do you swear?"

"I SWEAR IF YOU TOUCH MY BELLY BUTTON, I WILL PIN YOU DOWN AND GIVE YOU THE WORST RASPBERRY PINKBELLY NOOGIE OF YOUR LIFE!!!! OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!"

I think he's bluffing.

i guess seven is a really really good number

Overheard on the subway ( please picture a smallish gent decked out stylishly, speaking to an equally stylish fellow):

"I know the market is bad right now, but I would really like to buy a house, so I can have many cats. I would like to have maybe four, five, no, seven cats. Seven cats. Seven is a sacred number, right? I want a black cat, with green eyes."

Okay, then.

seven is a good number

I've been tagged by my BFF redstarmama.

She's pretty much one of my favorite people ever. Just in case you were wondering. Here's the part where I answer the questions.

7 Things I Plan to Do Before I Die

1. Get a Bachelor's Degree (aiming high)
2. Go jogging (aiming low)
3. Have a child. Maybe I should have put that before jogging. Also I'd like that to be well before I die, if that's possible. I'm not looking to break Sarah's record.
4. Learn to sew. And knit. I want to make aprons, and knit a scarf. Perhaps many scarves.
5. Voluntarily eat vegetables (this is before I die. nobody hold their breath, okay?)
6. Have a dishwasher. And a garbage disposal. Too greedy? Dang.
7. Go shopping one time and buy whatever I want, regardless of the price. (Is that more a dream than a plan?) - this was last on redstarmama's list, and I kinda like it. I'm leaving it right there.

7 Things I Do Now

1. Complain about physics
2. Talk about going jogging
3. Love Paul like there's no tomorrow. You there, Paul? I love you, dude.
4. Go to church/read scriptures/LOVE IT!!!
5. Bake stuff, and then take it to people because if it's here, that's ALL I WILL EAT.
6. Laugh
7. Love New York/miss my family

7 Things I Can't Do

1. Eat vegetables
2. Or fruit
3. Or want to
4. Stop thinking about candy?
5. Stop wanting chocolate chip cookies for breakfast?
6. Leave the last brownie in the pan
7. Or want to

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex (Paul)

1. That little gap in between his front teeth
2. He has this angelic curl that falls over his forehead when he sleeps. I wish I slept cute.
3. He prays for us to have a family. I'm kind of in love with that.
4. Two words: bi-ceps.
5. Um, you've seen some of the stuff he says. Hi-larious.
6. He works hard, which I love, and he wears scrubs while working hard, which I also love.
7. He's Paul. And he's mine.

7 Things That I Say Most Often

1. For reals.
2. Totally. I don't like that I use that word so much, but there it is.
3. NO TICKLE!!!!!
4. I heart you, Paul.
5. I'm thinking about going jogging.
6. Eeeeew, did you fart?
7. Nice burp.

7 Celebrities I Admire

1. Abigail Adams
2. Lucille Ball
3. I think all my favorite celebrities are dead.
4. I just looked on People's website at their list of celebs. Nothing.
5. I agree with redstarmama, James Earl Jones has got the Darth Vader thing going on.
6. How about celebs I don't like? That, I can do.
7. I'm going to wake up at three in the morning with a whole list. I just know it.

7 Favorite Foods (I will have no problem coming up with these...)

1. Deep fried Twinkie
2. Scharfenberger Nibby Bars. You're welcome, redstarmama.
3. Bacon
4. Potatoes
5. Cheese. Glorious cheese.
6. In N Out, number 2, ketchup only. Marry me.
7. Cereal

7 People Who Need To Do This

1. Justin
2. Meridth/Edward
3. Katie
4. Ryanne
5. Reagan
6. Tamara
7. Joe

Secrets of a Successful Cat-by Westley B. Cat

I'm going to be honest with you.

I've started and re-started this post about five times. There's just no good opener for a cutting edge piece on life as a cat written by an actual feline. I mean, this is groundbreaking stuff here, people. In case you didn't know. Not that I want to sound elitist. Although as a cat I sort of am better than you.

So, you're wondering, what's with all the grooming? What is my cat thinking when he licks that one yucky part? Why does he seem to think he owns my house? What's so irresistible about the laser pen light?

Well, I'm going to tell you, but only because I'm hoping a talent scout for one of those marvelous reality T.V. shows sees this post and launches my career as a budding writer.

1. So, grooming. Well, I do have obsessive compulsive disorder, but that's another post altogether. Aside from that, there are two simple reasons for the 250 daily cleanings: 1) I have this amazing barbed tongue so it's pretty much biologically predetermined, and, 2) this is just one of multiple techniques used to make my fur irresistible to you. You will notice I also frequently sidle up to you and happen to graze past your leg as if to say "Why hello, didn't see you there, would you like to pet me? Very well, if you must."

2. Now, about that yucky part. I find that quite distasteful myself, actually.

3. Why do I think I own your house? I have a better question for you: Why don't you let me in the closet? Huh? That is what doesn't make any sense. Besides, I do own your house.

4. What is so attractive about the laser pen light? Simple, really. Upon activation, a glowing red demon is released, and must be captured and killed. Upon completion of this task, I will be the recipient of a lifetime supply of closets to peruse and delicious soft kitty food to consume. Surely you can see the urgency here. I have been unable thus far to succeed, but I am very close, I assure you.

Thank you for your time. Please tell all of your wealthy talent scout friends about me. In conclusion, I would like you all to know that I am taking over the world effective right now. Bow to the kitty, peasants. Also I need more cat food.

the burden of greatness

Paul: Andrea, you are just so great.

Andrea: You're so great.

Paul: You're so great, you don't even understand how great you are.

Andrea: No, you don't understand how great you are.

Paul: No, I do, actually.