I'm going to be honest with you.
I've started and re-started this post about five times. There's just no good opener for a cutting edge piece on life as a cat written by an actual feline. I mean, this is groundbreaking stuff here, people. In case you didn't know. Not that I want to sound elitist. Although as a cat I sort of am better than you.
So, you're wondering, what's with all the grooming? What is my cat thinking when he licks that one yucky part? Why does he seem to think he owns my house? What's so irresistible about the laser pen light?
Well, I'm going to tell you, but only because I'm hoping a talent scout for one of those marvelous reality T.V. shows sees this post and launches my career as a budding writer.
1. So, grooming. Well, I do have obsessive compulsive disorder, but that's another post altogether. Aside from that, there are two simple reasons for the 250 daily cleanings: 1) I have this amazing barbed tongue so it's pretty much biologically predetermined, and, 2) this is just one of multiple techniques used to make my fur irresistible to you. You will notice I also frequently sidle up to you and happen to graze past your leg as if to say "Why hello, didn't see you there, would you like to pet me? Very well, if you must."
2. Now, about that yucky part. I find that quite distasteful myself, actually.
3. Why do I think I own your house? I have a better question for you: Why don't you let me in the closet? Huh? That is what doesn't make any sense. Besides, I do own your house.
4. What is so attractive about the laser pen light? Simple, really. Upon activation, a glowing red demon is released, and must be captured and killed. Upon completion of this task, I will be the recipient of a lifetime supply of closets to peruse and delicious soft kitty food to consume. Surely you can see the urgency here. I have been unable thus far to succeed, but I am very close, I assure you.
Thank you for your time. Please tell all of your wealthy talent scout friends about me. In conclusion, I would like you all to know that I am taking over the world effective right now. Bow to the kitty, peasants. Also I need more cat food.
6 comments:
oh, and don't forget, I like FRESH milk. None of this yucky left out all day stuff. And stop talking while I purr....
You know, you never cease to amaze me. You walk around everyday as this amazing wife, fantastic sister-in-law and friend, and I can even confidently add daughter, sister, granddaughter, etc to that list. Then you just go and add gifted writer who puts a smile on my face every time I read your writing. It's amazing all of this wonderfulness fits into such a tiny you.
You are such a great writer! I love reading your blog. You have a knack for bringing out the extraordinary in what some would consider ordinary (until they read your blog, of course).
mommy2- yes. fresh milk. i will stop talking while you purr, also.
ryanne- dude, you have no idea how lucky I am to have such a fantastic sister in law. i am the lucky one, my friend!
nyc vdg- hey! so good to hear from you!! how is everything going?
Andrea, wow!... I hadn't read your blog in a week or so and then I come back and see you have been busy! And boy can I add talented! I remember the first story we wrote together and I read what you wrote and I KNEW there was no comparison to what I wrote. YOU had natural talent. My "talent" was just wishful thinking! LOL I was blown out of the water then and still am. YOU are talented woman! Don't ever forget it! By the way, your cats are adorable!!
bookwormmama-thanks for the support!! also, wishful thinking what??!! Do you not remember the collaborative novel we had in the works? The cats say hi. They say not to sell yourself short.
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