A text, from Paul, after he found out he had to work tonight:
Miss you. Oh, the pains my tender soul has inflicted upon it every second we are apart. (He's probably been reading Jane Austen again.)
A voicemail message at work:
"Hi. This is Barbara. I talked to you earlier. You said you were going to early cancel me. I CAN'T COME TO CLASS BECAUSE I'M COUGHING UP YELLOW GUNK. I just got an email that you late cancelled me. WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME. (Barbara's voice is Long Island accented, and coated with about thirty years worth of cigarette smoke and whisky. I replay the message twice before calling Barbara back to apologize for the mistake, after which she thanks me and calls me a doll. Twice.)
A second voicemail at work:
"Hi. This is Floyd Clerkin. I live in Indiana and sometimes I get these faxes from you guys. My daughter is an instructor and she teaches. Anyways you have this picture of this lady on your fliers and she looks like a poor man's Jacqueline Kennedy. She's got sunglasses and a black dress and she's biting her teeth or something. It's really unattractive is what I'm trying to say to you. Really you should do something about this- SHE LOOKS LIKE A POOR MAN'S JACKIE KENNEDY. This is Floyd. Thanks. God bless." (I replay the message three times, save it, and commit it to memory. You don't want to forget someone like Floyd Clerkin.)
8 comments:
I'm really wishing I hadn't agreed to let them use that picture of me for your fliers.
I just love this. :)
So awesome. You can't make that stuff up!
this is the best post. best!
Hey, I think a poor man's Jackie Kennedy still sounds pretty good. I'd rather be that than a poor man's anything else, except maybe Audrey Hepburn.
It's too bad you can't combine all three, and have a poor man's Jackie coughing up yellow gunk while pains are inflicted on her soul, all the while complaining about it in a smoker Long Island voice.
HAAAA!!!!!
This is freaking hilarious. You really can't make stuff like that up!
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